California - Joshua Tree by Dave Hileman

We stayed at Joshua Tree for three days in April 2017. The Blackrock campground provides easy access to the most interesting portion of the park, in my opinion. We stayed in site #45 and it was very nice, located on the side of a hill (slight) and close to a couple of trails. The iconic trees dot the campground. There is water available but no hookups. Cost was a very reasonable $20 a night. We also reserved in advance.  

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Maryland - Frederick by Dave Hileman

We stayed two nights at Gambrill State Park just outside of Frederick, Maryland. Our site was #20 with 30 amp power and water, flat landing pad, fire ring and couple of other touches. We paid under $30 a night in August of 2017. There are not many sites with power. We liked our site but 22 may have been a bit larger. It was screened and rather private. There were helpful camp hosts. We did miss the turn off into the park, it was dark. I would not recommend missing that turn as you go up, way up and then need to turn around on a narrow two-lane road in the dark. But if you have Josh the ranger on duty, you will be fine. Nice and super helpful guy. Easy access to historic areas and even DC is just 45 miles away. 

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The Press Conference by Dave Hileman

Transcript of the 10am Press Conference. Cadillac enters, appropriately social distanced and masked, seats majestically upon his leather executive chair and allows the questions to begin. 

Biff Wool, Field & Stream Gourmet - Mr. Moose, can you tell us why you are here instead of living with your wife in Alaska.

Well, first of all I am not married. It seems the lovely Ms McKinley expected me to engage in barbaric rituals to complete our engagement where I was to smash antlers with other moose. That is not in keeping with my delicate and peaceful constitution. Secondly, have you been in Alaska in the winter? It is not just cold it is COLD and there are zero coffee shops and zero WiFi in that frozen north space. I had to shelter in a town to find substance. So it was to NC where the Driver lives that I had to escape. 

Koff E. Cupp with the Ungulates Daily News - Mr. Cadillac, we have heard a rumor that you are required to get a job, can you confirm that report?

I am, of course, not “required” but I have agreed to seek employment that is suitable to my talents. 

Koff E. Cupp, So what are you looking at doing?

I am keeping options open but at present looking only at employment that will allow my full talents to expand and that pays very well. So areas I expect to investigate are: photographer (must be easy the Driver does it), swimwear model, barista (I am very good at drinking lattes), train pilot, actor - my natural good looks and winsome personality are clear assets, doctor, I clearly look good in green, unicyclist, cupcake baker and, of course, CEO of an appropriately large company, like Disney, for example, are among the first jobs that I will allow people to vie for my services. 

Millie Mite with the Marsh Observer, What is your role with Two Lane Touring?

I expect first to rescue it from obscurity and improve its image which will occur simply by my presence. I will have my OWN column, my OWN byline, my OWN place on the menu bar and will post at least one time each weekend. I will also continue to provide sharp insight when the Driver travels to keep the record straight. 

Craigy Hiltop with the Stranger the Fiction News Report, we heard that you were arrested in Canada and deported, is that accurate?

Of course not. As I escaped Alaska once the weather broke, i had to travel though something called the YouCan. Some strange man in a red coat wanted my passport. I told them I did not have any ports and went on my way. They took me captive, illegally I am sure, put a bothersome device on my hoof (the passport I guess) and then I excepted into North Dakota. Luckily I have huge fans in ND and they fed me and set me on the course to the North of Carolina by the Missouri River the more rivers until I was at the end of the rivers in some forest. Where the rangers forced me into a box and gave me a carrot for dinner, A raw carrot, no dip, not roasted, nothing. Then I was bounced all over until arriving, no doubt do to my superior sense of direction, at the Nice One’s house. I do plan to sue everyone. 

Millie Mite, What is your next step?

Lunch of course, then after a nap, dinner. Then I will develop my personal branding, establish a social media presence and wait for the lucky employer to make me offers.

That’s all for now but watch for my first column next week. 

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The Rules by Dave Hileman

We have been negotiating for hours on how life will be here. After seven vetos were cast, the SWAT trauma team headed to counseling and 14 lattes we have reached an historic accord. Here are the terms:

1 The Moose will have one slot a week (usually weekends) to vent, rage, or, inadvertently make sense.

2. The Moose will get a job. One that “suits his unique talents and abilities.”

3. The Moose will travel on all excursions and be given an expanded role on these trips.

4. The Moose will maintain a calm and rational demeanor at all times.

5. The Driver will set all travel parameters, choose food and camping locals. (Of course, the Nice one will have input.)

6. The Driver will provide all food, lodging and coffee, along with ice cream upon request.

7. Other issues will be sent to arbitration as they arise.

The signing of this agreement is set for Saturday when the Moose’s first column will be posted.

FAQ on Cadillac Moose by Dave Hileman

Why do we travel with a stuffed moose?

A younger version of our granddaughter started sending him on our trips so he could get back to Maine and visit his relatives. She is older now but still indulges us with him for our travels. 

Why is he named Cadillac?

You may be aware that there is a mountain in Acadia named Cadillac and assume he was named for it. However, the back story is that he was born near a rusted, overgrown 53 Caddy and, of course, the name stuck. HE thinks the mountain is named after him. 

He seems awful small for a moose, right?

PLEASE don’t tell him - his perspective is not aligned with reality. 

How did he become so well spoken and well written?

The advantage of living with three clever and growing kids. He studies at nights - though Moose are largely diurnal he can’t seem to get up in the morning and so stays up very late at night, and while he learns a lot of “stuff” it does not always get connected in a useful way. The synapses don’t always line up.

He seems to be a bit of a bon vivant, is that right?

Depends on your use of the term, he certainly enjoys a good meal, several times a day, but is not too discriminating in his selections which run from ice cream to water lilies to Twinkies. But he does desire to live well so an aspiring bon vivant might be accurate.

Is he useful on the trips?

Not at all. Helpless.

How effective will his Moose Rights campaign be?

Slightly less chance of success than the Pelosi and Trump families enjoying a nice weekend together in a small cottage in Nags Head. 

Does he play any musical instruments?

No, for which we are eternally grateful. We did have to hide a harmonica he found because that was going to be trouble.

Where is his family?

Not sure. We know he was born by Molasses Pond near Eastbrook, Maine. He arrived in Bar Harbor with several dozen cousins via UPS. Once his UPC tag was removed it become difficult to track all of his relatives so he makes all Moose a relative.

Where does he live when not traveling?

Gosh, we don’t know. He goes back to our granddaughter and then shows up again with his sleeping bag, suitcase and snacks when we are about to leave. Never has spending money!

We heard a rumor that he bought a Fuji GFX100 and several lenses, true?

NO, not at all. First he does not have opposable thumbs, nor actually any fingers so no camera. If he did happen to get access to a Mr. Mook’s credit card, we would let him buy a couple but not actually let him use them. I would just borrow them. That is a great idea.

Is he really in the running for a Pulitzer or a Nobel prize?

In his mind there exists no prize, award, office or honor he should  not already have won. In reality, Pulitzer says, “Cadillac who?” Here is a list of awards he has applied for: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_awards We do think he would have a keen shot in the World Nettle-eating Championships. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bottle_Inn

Does Cadillac have a job or a degree?

It depends on the day. He claims, as one of his more outstanding qualities, to be a medical doctor, lobbyist, sailer, writer, artist, city planner, dental hygienist, draftsman, lawyer, wine maker and much more. But, no, he actually has no skills and no degrees. That fact does not seem to stop him from choosing a new career every month or so. What he does have is self-confidence and a certain savoir faire. I can assure you he earns no money but needs a lot.

Is it true that he is running for President?

The Moose Minions are not allowed to comment on rumors. It is true that his Moose Rights campaign has opened new doors for him. And one of his platforms, I mean principle demands, is the restoration of the glorious Bull Moose Party. But of course all speculation is pre-mature. He firmly believes that one of the 57 candidates already running is probably honest.